(Late posting. Bringing it to you from the scribbles in my notebook. Written as is.  Not edited.)

Time check: 7:23 AM.  I am writing this out of my stream of consciousness.  I just woke up from almost a three-hour sleep.  I grabbed a pen out of my bag and my notebook among my piles of book on the tabletop inside my bedroom. I don’t want to let any word slip out of my mind. I feel like I’m writing this as my first in my after-life.  I feel like I was given a chance to start again.  By the way, Good morning World!

I can still feel the numbness of my left hand.  The right hand is doing the best to write a nearly-legible note in this notebook. I felt like I’ve just gained a new, sound heartbeat.
Just a few hours ago, I had a dream that I was on a stage of confusion whether I am still alive or not - those usual scenes on tv and movies, where you are trying to touch and move things but cannot; where you are trying to shuffle a song from the mobile phone and play it so loud but they don’t seem to notice; those scenes when someone is looking for you, there you go saying, “I am here,” but they can’t see and hear you.  Then you sit alone frustrated and continue thinking “What happened?”

I am not a fan of whining.  Never.   But I can say, life’s really a mess the past few days – trials on the relationship, financial worries, quarter-end reports, healing gums, and flu. PERSONAL CRISIS…again!  I am not into whining, but I somehow did last weekend.  I kept on whining about my cough, colds, and fever, but the big deal was on my mind and heart.  I even thought of wanting to be confined to a hospital to see who really cares and to finally find a way to retreat from everything that worries me.  (That’s childish, yeah!  But sometimes you get to think about the unthinkable.)

The incident just gave me a new reason to get out of bed, forget everything for a while and find another reason to move forward amidst all those clutter.

This post may sound like the usual inspirational or self-help articles.  If I am the reader,  I would hesitate taking a moment to read.  I still wrote it anyway.  Having it experienced first hand triggered me to write.  At least, after some time that I get to experience the same moments of depression,  I’ll go back to this one single post I wrote in July 4, 2012 and get myself reminded:  “I still want to be alive.”

July 4.  Americans call it as their Independence Day.  Starting today,  I’ll make it my own independence day -- freedom from all the baggages I’ve been carrying.

One of the most difficult messages you could ever give to a friend (or anybody) is "Happy Birthday" and "Condolences" at the same time.

I had to do that thrice-- for friends/classmates Juvie, Eulah, and Jhay who lost a mom/dad just before their birthdays.

It was never easy.

Of course, I could always easily say it from the most comforting and sympathizing words to the most common "Be strong" and "Everything's gonna be okay".  Then, I'd realize that it wouldn't be as easy as that, especially when I put myself inside their shoes.

How could we celebrate life when one of the people who became a reason for our birth had lost it?

Yes, that makes sense.  But don't we think it sounds hopeless and pathetic?  The more we feel that way, the more doomed we may get.

Things like these are life's ways of reminding us that it's not a perfect world, that beginnings and endings are born twins -- and we have to live in between. That the most that people in our lives could be with us is while there is life.  The only way to make them stay after death is to put them in our hearts.

In the end,  it's not about beginnings and endings.  It is what we do and have in between.

Seize every moment! Cherish life.

Transcript below (copied from Stanford University News):


I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it's likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope it's the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

DISCLAIMER: Neither the video nor the transcript is owned by the blog owner.  Posted for sharing purposes only.

Yes, somehow I've been to heaven...

And today my fingers are itchy to write something new again. I can't help it. Sad to say, I couldn't. Nevertheless, I am so fulfilled that finally I am able to gather all the thougths that I picked from the words of Mitch Albom, one of my newly admired authors, I can say. In spite the stress that I encountered from the heavy-workload weeks, you still could be able to find me reading this -- in the passenger bus on my way to and from the office, inside my room before and after going to sleep, etc.

Thanks to Juvy, a friend who gave me this book entitled, "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" which makes me kinda interested again in reading fictions, something that I can describe now as a creative representation of life's true lessons.

Here again are some thougths to share. I hope you learn something from it as I did. Carpe Diem...because life is short.
Love, like rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with soaking joy. But sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface, and must nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive.

Yes, somehow I've been to heaven...

And today my fingers are itchy to write something new again. I can't help it. Sad to say, I couldn't. Nevertheless, I am so fulfilled that finally I am able to gather all the thougths that I picked from the words of Mitch Albom, one of my newly admired authors, I can say. In spite the stress that I encountered from the heavy-workload weeks, you still could be able to find me reading this -- in the passenger bus on my way to and from the office, inside my room before and after going to sleep, etc.

Thanks to Juvy, a friend who gave me this book entitled, "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" which makes me kinda interested again in reading fictions, something that I can describe now as a creative representation of life's true lessons.

Here again are some thougths to share. I hope you learn something from it as I did. Carpe Diem...because life is short.

Love, like rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with soaking joy. But sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface, and must nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive.